At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize