I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
