Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
