My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
