yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i already hear my dad disowning me
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
