he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
