I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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