Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
