So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
