Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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