I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
