My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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