my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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