dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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