New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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