Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
