Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Never joke about your clitoris.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
