so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
