he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
