He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
