Your face is a jimmy john
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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