Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
