So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I want to make a zoo with you.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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