Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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