dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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