Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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