I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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