I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
