You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize