Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
