guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
