Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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