So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
