My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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