started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
