Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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