I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
