guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
her vagine was all disorganized.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
