he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
