Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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