I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
