I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
