Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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