Got a toothbrush?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
