I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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