u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
