I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
