And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
