I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
