No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
