There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
