I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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