Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
