I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
