i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
fuck your aforementioned shoe
do herpes really smell.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
