as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Randomize
