Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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