I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
