i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize