It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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