a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
