He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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