This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
