Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Randomize
