God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
