dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
