I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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