There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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