I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
They should really pass out barf bags in church
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
