My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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