my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
